Wanna move to Florida? Read this first!

IMG_0604Dear Myammy,

You have a good sense of humor. A pal sent me this about Life in Florida

(Written for people  60+ and others with a sense of humor.)

A few years ago, my wife and I moved into a retirement development on Florida ‘s southeast coast.  

Jerry Seinfield once said, “There is a law in New York that people over sixty must move to Florida.” It is intended to keep us seniors from becoming “Midtown Roadkill.”

We are living in the “Delray/ Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-a-Hachee”.

Who knew? There are 3,000 lakes in Florida- only three are real.

blue-199261__180-2….gradual loss of…

Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to do all day?

Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem.

Our days are eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of our car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where we parked takes 20 minutes. It takes a half-hour in the check-out line in Wal-Mart, and a mere hour  to return said item the next day.

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Here a typical day: We get up at 5:00 am, have a quick breakfast of free coffee and pastries at the corner bank and join the early morning Walk-and-Fart Club.

There are about 30 of us, and rain or shine, we walk around the streets, all talking at once. Every development has some “late risers” who stay in bed until 6:00 am.Go figure!  After a nimble walk, avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity.

My wife goes directly to the pool for her underwater Pilates class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR.

I put on my uniform:Ask Me About My GrandKids’ T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my white belt, my white socks and sandals and go to the clubhouse lobby for a nice nap.

Before we know it, it’s time for lunch.

Costco! Here we come!

We go to Costco to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets. All free! For the more sophisticated, planning a trip to Costco does take some effort to make sure all the demonstrators are visited starting with appetizers and ending with desserts.

raising cane

Medical Care:We don’t need psychiatrists in Florida, pouring our life stories out to the Costco demonstrators an acceptable alternative. After a filling lunch, if we don’t have any doctor appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.00.

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We’re usually back home by 2:00 pm to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for the early bird at the hometown buffet about 3:00 pm, but we get there by 3:45 because we’re late eaters.

Free at last! The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. We can take home enough food for the next day’s lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and Splenda, along with mints.

Bingo! It’s 5:30 pm we’re home, ready to watch the 6 o’clock news. By 6:30 pm we’re fast asleep. Then we get up and make five or six trips to the bathroom during the night, and it’s time to get up and start a new day all over again.swimtream_

Doctor-related activities eat up most of our retirement time. I enjoy reading old magazines in sub-zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don’t mind.photo_21418_20120211

Calling for test results also helps the days fly by. It takes at least a half-hour just getting through the doctor’s phone menu. Then there’s the hold time until we’re connected to the right party. FACT:Sometimes they forget we’re holding, and the whole office goes off to lunch.

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Food shopping is a problem for short seniors, or ‘bottom feeders’ as we call them, because they can’t reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods they’ve never tasted. After shopping, most seniors can’t remember where they parked their cars and wander the parking lot for hours while their food defrosts.

votefraud

Caught lifting Too Many “Free Samples”

Remember to choose a Senior Living development with an impressive name. Italian names are very popular in Florida. They convey world travelers, uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live: Murray’s Condos or the Grand Emerald Lakes of Venice? There’s no difference — they’re both owned by Murray, who happens to be a cheap bastard.

I certainly hope this material has been of help to you Future Retirees. Hey! if I can be of any further assistance-  look me up when you’re in Florida. I live in the Far Leaning Condos of Pisa in Palm Coast

Remember:

INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING,

“WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?”

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