Category Archives: Living in Florida

Dr Slice and Dice – Florida’s finest

pink high rise building
Breasts, Buttz, and Nose

My new dentist’s office was located in a towering pink and white skyscraper. White sky scrapers are everywhere. In South Florida- buildings with pink stripes are not unusual. On Dixie Highway, people in the know call the building “Knose, Bressts and Butts.   The Pink Palace is the go-to address  for a plethora of plastic surgeons…who makeup up the majority of tenants.

My appointment with a dental hygienist was slated for 7:30 AM with directions to arrive early for paperwork.

As I pulled into the vast garage- where even the walls were painted pink and white- I saw a parade of sleek, black, limos lined up …out the length of the building.

 There I saw, one by one, women swathed in bandages and headscarves gently assisted into the limos and whisked away.

As a parked my yellow VW bug, I was intrigued by the car choreography.

I walked cautiously towards the entrance and the limo line. A man dressed in a black turtleneck and black slacks, with the clipboard gave me a nod, a small smile, and rolled his eyes.

I walked up and said “ Hey, what’s going on?”

 He said, in the South in the mouth drawl,  “ These are the ladies of Doctor Slice and Dice. … all the pretty ladies. I call them all “Barbie.” With new butts, boobs, smaller noses and tummy tucks. Darlin, they are all on their way to the Barbie Hilton for RnR – Rest and recovery.

 FACT:These women can’t look in a mirror for one week because there’s bruised as a mango. In week number two, all bandages are off and it was worth it.

buff woman
Having Work Done

A woman wearing hot pink, velvet, Juicy running suit was wheeled out. She had oversized Armani glasses over her bandaged eyes, a red Birkin bag, and a diamond the size of an egg was on her right hand. Her limo was a Bentley.

Welcome to Florida.

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Overheard at the Miami doctor’s office…


There were two women sitting across from one another, at a famed Miami Plastic Surgery suite of offices.

Both were thumbing through glossy magazines and chatting while glancing up at the long list of   “Miami’s Dr. Marvelous’ Menu of Augmentations and Services” dancing on the huge, sleek, black, wide screen TV across from them.

Le Menu:

Breast Augmentation – Breast Lift | Breast Reconstruction – Breast Reduction – Brazilian Butt Lift-  Liposuction | Male Breast Reduction – Nipple Procedures – Tummy Tuck – Mommy Makeover  – Ear Surgery –  Eyelid Surgery – Facelift – Facial Implants | Forehead/Brow Lift | Fat Grafting | Necklift | Nose Surgery | Hand Rejuvenation | Injectable Facial Fillers | Laser Skin Resurfacing ….

Woman #1 Says: There are two things you never ask for in this office.

Woman #2 Says: Really? Tell me – this is my first time.

Woman #1 (without missing a beat) Says: “Never ask for a ‘Kim Novak’ or a ‘Liza Minnelli’

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Women helping Women

one day at a time…

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http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/03/05/prompt-sleep

Berkeley! A treasure trove of gourmets, goofs, wacks and wonderful

theme park sideshow

California Dreamin’

Berkeley – a mere Bridge away from San Francisco – and a world away!

A veritable mosaic of contradictions –

See this:

http://www.movoto.com/berkeley-ca/berkeley-stereotypes/

Coit tower, San Francisco, California

Berkeley: Down with up!

The beauty of Berkeley

 

 Walk to the coffee shop for a latte, cross the street for your  Hatha yoga class.  Right next-door is the wonderful independent bookstore, steps away from your  $10.00 manicurist. 

 Next, pick up a bouquet from the florist across street and stop in at the salon to get your bangs trimmed by Gracie who you’ve known for 10 years.

Walk one block to the Gourmet ghetto and pick up the kale, Salmon, berries and clotted cream, and those spices you need; get the sharpened knife from Sur le Tab, a bottle of wine, and a hostess gift at the cute, little, gift store four doors away.

C’est fini and c’est bon!

No Strip Malls.

No Driving.

California here I come!

Wow: Our neighbors are legendary, Latin, and loud

Palm tree and sky

Welcome the South Florida – AKA  there goes the neighborhood.

Legendary:

Neighborhood rumors are that the great-grandfather fashioned a raft made of mannequin body parts, used the mannequin arms as paddles, and in the dead of night, the family escaped Cuba and arrived on the beaches of Florida.

The legend goes, the waters were treacherous, and usual dancing dolphins not did shepherd them – but a phalanx of alligators escorted them – day and night -to freedom.  A bounty of ripe coconuts bobbing by provided food and drink. Tiny, tasty fish jumped from the sea onto the raft for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Despite those ‘miracles’ they report their harrowing story makes Hemingway’s Old Man and the Sea look like a canoe ride in Central Park.

Welcome the Neighborhood

The Loud Family – not the PBS special

On the Fourth of July our traditions involve red, white, and blue Bunting, strawberries, blueberries, and sparklers.

Theirs involve guns, Sky Flyers, Roman Candles and Screeching Rockets.  And, more guns.  Why does anybody shoot at the sky?

Our Christmas celebration involves a tree, colored lights and tinsel and Bing Crosby crooning Mele Kalikimaka…

Their Christmas celebration involves a month long production of decorating every square inch of the exterior house with colored lights, so bright that you can read a book at midnight by the light of their decorations.  Neighbors have taken to buying  blackout curtains to use in December.

For some reason, the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ inspires more loud Salsa music, guns and shooting at the sky.  (Hey! Santa Claus is up there!) The symbolism is lost on me.

Our Easter involves colored eggs and lots of chocolate.  Their Easter celebration involves 10 cars and several motorcycles parked on their front lawn; barbecuing a baby goat; loud Salsa music for two days; gales of laughter; clouds of cigar smoke and more guns. Again, with the shooting at the sky.

The legendary, loud family – is very friendly and extremely gracious, and, at one time, they invited all the neighbors to their various celebrations. The guns were a buzzkill.

Home Sweet Home?

In South Florida, you see many homes with two chairs on the front porch. When the weather is cooler, people sit on the porch – perhaps, sipping iced tea? Our friendly neighbors have six chairs, a keg, a boom-box and a tiny disco ball.

There goes the neighborhood…

We heard today that the neighborhood has gotten too quiet for the family and they are moving to South Beach. Evidently, Great-grandpa owns a few condo buildings in Miami and he will move the families. Go figure.

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The Legend of the Loud Family

Grandpa had a small department store in Cuba and each evening he would bring home a mannequin part to his tiny garage. He fashioned a raft using bits and pieces of the store mannequins.

The day of the great escape, each of his sons playfully carried one quarter of the raft to the beach. Each of the daughters nonchalantly carried mannequin arms to the getaway point on the beach. The story goes, the 10 family members boarded the body raft, used the arms as paddled and they landed in the Florida Keys.

They caught a wave, the phalanx of alligators escorted into the shore and they walked to Miami.  Grandpa arrived with a quarter clenched in his teeth.

You can’t make this stuff up.

Oh wait, yes you can.

Florida actually celebrates reptiles? Really?

 In Florida: a Celebration of Reptiles? Really?

The special event, celebrating amphibians, called ‘Repticon’ was held in lovely Fort. Lauderdale – what’s wrong with this picture?

It was dubbed  “Florida Reptile and Alternative Pet Show.”

You ask: How could there be a reptile event featuring vendors offering reptile pets, supplies, feeders, cages, and merchandise in Florida where lizards, geckos and their cousins freely slither, slide and glide in front yards, back yards, on your trees, fences and lawn furniture?

Touted as “Exciting, educational, family-oriented fun for everyone!”- unless you have an aversion to creepy, spooky, slimy, chilling creatures.

Welcome to Florida.

Shall we dance?

See: Lizards, Geckos…Oh, no!

 

 

Ow! Miami Chiropractor hurts,on so many levels. Caveat emptor, baby

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There were huge red flags flapping, waving, and snapping and she didn’t look up.

In dire pain, and far from home, Cassandra asked friends and sales clerks if they knew of a good chiropractor. The check out woman at Whole Foods raved about her “guy” and happily passed his phone humber to Cassandra – with the pain in her neck.

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First, she looked for his  “Yelp” reviews – nada. She Googled him- found only his phone and address and old references to membership in the South Florida Chiro Club.

She called the number – he answered the phone.

 It is Unusual for a Dr to answer phones and make appointments – but he did.

He had openings…when did she want to come in?

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She made an appointment for that day – and easily found the office tucked into an old house in Fort Lauderdale. He was sitting at the receptionist desk. (Hmmm, again)

He was wearing an old, wrinkled, white medical coat…who does that?

The office was large -a warren of many rooms – with a disheveled feel.

He led her into an Exam Room and did an “Intake” interview. The table tops and shelves were very dirty. He needed 409, Windex, Cleansers…a janitor. This gave her pause, again.

The penultimate gesture was to have her lie on her back – legs up – the yoga position: Happy Baby. Really?  Never in 12 years of Chiro Appointments had she been asked to assume this pose. Bizarro – and off-putting.

The ultimate: she knew the Quack was a Whack when he mentioned, “Foreplay must he rough.” What?! 

Who talks like that?

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 She tried to call the Better Business Bureau – it closed in Florida a long time ago – a nefarious Scam-ster bought the name – hooked up telephones and sells BBB Certificates to one and all.

She tired to Yelp the guy – you can’t do that in Miami – the Chiros take out YELP ads stating they are out of business….a YELP scam…

Be careful out there. Stop: When a Dr claims to have been a  Neurosurgeon and later  becomes a Chiropractor.

 

I love you so much – Vehicle of Love

Darling,

You make my life happier, more sane, and safe. I adore the way you take care of me and I am automatically grateful. You are a joy ride.

I know I drive you crazy -and I talk to you constantly –  urging your forward, however, today you can actually hear me. 

It is the miracle of WordPress – a lot like Lourdes – without the water.

The Genesis:

Oh, yes, you were once as wild and crazy as Mustang living in the Outback…you did Dodge the Swinger  Bullet… and you were never shiftless. Once, I thought you could be or a Viper – even a Cobra – and yet, you, charmed and sweet-talked me every time you, Rambler.

That hot and steamy day on the Keys…you were my hero- I was broken down, hopeless, and like an Impala you speedily rose to the occasion. Some dumb Barracudas called you a Maverick.  “A Two-wheel drive” indeed. Your high emissions are fine with me, old friend.

I shall forever drive you…

crazy.

 

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