Category Archives: Living Together

The Secret to avoiding birthdays

 

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Too Many Candles on That Cake?

Feedling frumpy and lumpy and old?

Do Not Despair. 

The famous American philosopher, Jack Benny, embraced the secret to the aging process. 

pexels-photo-302561.jpegAge is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

 

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“Gags die, humor doesn’t.”

The famous “Stuck at 39” was a funny running gag that got started the year after Jack Benny celebrated his “first” 39 birthday on his radio show.

Take note, he said it was so much fun, he decided to do the same thing the following year. He said “There’s nothing funny about 40.” Mr.Benny, my idol,  would celebrate his 39 birthday 41 times.

Cheer Up, Binkie – age is a many splintered thing.

 

 

Forlorn

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Strangers in a Strange land: Florida at Christmas?

Good Bye, California and Cashmere!

And turtle-necks, leather boots, scarves, and gloves, berets, blazers, and wool coats…

Hello, Flip flops, sandals, T-shrts, sundresses, capris

and suncreen in December

(and January, February, March…)

No reindeer – lots of Pink Flamingos – 

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No Snow-flakes – Lots of Snow-cones


Flipper and Flamingos  – The New Normal

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Florida- where Palm Reading takes on a whole new meaning.

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Miami is just really fun whenever I go there. It’s like this post-apocalyptic Barbie world: everything is pink, and there’re palm trees everywhere. But then there are also all these people in crazy sunglasses

 

My Top 10 Florida Observations

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Top 10 things I learned about Florida

  1. The drivers in Florida are infamous for being are the worst in the nation.
  2. The produce is a lot more expensive- and you are spoiled in California.
  3. Everything is located in a strip mall: doctors, dentists, gourmet restaurants.
  4. There are big box stores everywhere- BJ’s, Wal-Mart, Kmart, Marshall’s.
  5. Dunkin’ Donuts is on every street corner; Floridians eat a lot of donuts.
  6. It’s hard to find a Wi-Fi cafés.  It is hard to find a “coffee shop.”
  7. There are no bookstores. (Those two or three Barnes & Noble don’t count)
  8. Rain can fall in buckets, and miraculously cause traffic to crawl – then clear up instantaneously.
  9. The summertime clouds in Florida are breathtakingly spectacular. The hot, sticky humidity isn’t.

10. Everyone goes to the beach on the weekends- and it’s impossible to find a parking place- especially in light of the fact they just razed an 800-car parking garage.

Book club in Miami

And…There is a reason 1,000 people

per day

move to Florida.

He snores – she snores? Aw, come on!


They moved in together – Moon, Spoon, June: pure bliss?

Last May, Carly rolled her eyes and said that living with Don was bliss-perfection-more wonderful than she had imagined. Except for that one flaw. Flaw? Mr. Wonderful? Mr. tall, dark, handsome, highly successful and happy Don?   She whispered, “He snores. A little like a small water buffalo.” How bad was it? Move to another bedroom bad or just earplugs and melatonin bad? She was discreet in all their affairs, and merely waved her hand and tsk-ed, “Oh, not that bad.”

Flash forward to now-and Carly is no longer fluffing this one off.

She has dark circles under her eyes and the Bobbi Brown concealer barely hides them. And she will quietly share she just had the first good night’s sleep in weeks, because Don had gone to a meeting in Toronto.

She reveled in the nocturnal silence. She thought about taping “The Quietude of the Boudoir” as a meditation tape she could play back with her Bose headphones when Don returned.    She dismissed the idea as silly, but the night before he returned-she turned on her tape player to record three hours of white noise and pure silence. The next morning, she tucked it away in the bedside table.

Don’s return was highly anticipated. Carly shopped, prepped, and cooked his favorite meal to eat by candlelight, accompanied by Miles Davis and Keith Jarrett on their cool, old, record player. He was clearly exhausted. He had a three-hour delay in Denver, missed an airline connection and was beat. After dinner, they retired to the bedroom – within minutes he was out and snoring.

For Carly, the week of silence had been purely intoxicating and was now a distant memory as the cacophony of snorts, airbursts and coughs punctuated the night.

The tape!  Proud of her white-noise-invention, she found her Bose headphones and the mini-tape player and placed them on her side of the bed. She cleansed, toned, moisturized, and climbed into bed next to her amore as he belted raucous snores. Blissfully, she listened to her newly created, perfect, white noise tape. She could barely hear the muffled rustling of her satin duvet. As she was relaxing into silence, she heard a strange noise.

Something was wrong with the tape. It must be flawed. She heard a rush of air and a soft wheezing sound. The machine must be broken. Then she heard the pattern again. Louder.  Snoring! Had she taped Don and forgotten?

No, as she listened to the shocking snorting noise, she sadly discovered she, too, snored. Softly – but, she had a small problem. She would erase the tape in the morning and head off to the health food store for Melatonin. And, maybe soothing, sleep inducing  Belleruth Naperstek ‎ tape, earplugs might be good…brandy…her mind was whirling- while the love of her life was sleeping like a baby.

Damn him. Sweet dreams….photo_8735_20081228

What is your panacea? Tell me! myammy101@gmail.com

kiss 

Who Sleeps Where? Are you a Kitten or a Dog…

Yikes! The holidays are upon us, already?

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Holiday Madness:

… on my heels like so many barking, braying, hunting dogs as I skip along darting in and out of shops and websites thinking: turkey, cranberry, gifts for the ex-in-laws, coal for the Ex, a necktie for lousy lover from EHarmony with ego the size of the Transamerica Pyramid.

***Bake cookies for therapists, Life Coach, trainer, and running partners.

***Order pencils with names emblazoned upon them for writing group.

Like wolves howling at a full moon: The threats of holiday madness – scratching at my door.

The frenetic and the frantic and I’m so freaked

There are the cards, the cookies, cranberry, the dreidels, the Christmas Carols, Ted and Alices, for dinner parties. Book club gifts, Stitch and Bitch trinkets to buy, tchotchkes for the Pilates pals (all those overachievers with Botox- so much Botox.)

Purchase Papyrus holiday cards for clients and Ex- clients and commence with the annual scouring the address book for once a year pals – they are the Hallmark friends- the list grows longer every year.

Do I compose a Christmas letter one filled with fallacy and fol der rol? Embellished to the max to make a dull life look like Florida perfect, sunshine, beaches, lush gardens, multiple beaus, and a social calendar ablaze with what’s haute and hot?

I have a cadre of fans– who long for my Sunshine State life and they are buried in snow in dull times three Pennsylvania and Upstate New York, Wisconsin, and Montana.

They want to read about my romances and rendezvous -my glamorous weekend jaunts to the resorts, the Keys, San Diego and Beverly Hills.

There is no way I can tell them the truth.

I’m not a well-rehearsed, practiced, fiction writer for nothing!

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Skipping a reunion? Don’t even think about it

“Class reunions are the most important events to man”  Sartre

“Maybe by the 50th,

with all their FRICKIN’ grandkids born,

their PRECIOUS traveling done,

and their SOB STORY surgeries completed,

THEY’LL GRACE US WITH THEIR PRESENCE.”

Camus

            “Never miss a class reunion.” Goethe

We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop.

Mother Teresa

“To miss a class reunion is like missing jello at Benson – unthinkable.”

Einstein

Fraud

Beware! Going to the White House…

“Going to the White House was considered a great honor…”

Depending on Who Lives There