Category Archives: Moving In together

Breaking News: Floods of “Liberals” tip toe into Canada

The Following News Story was updated and improved.

No plagiarism involved. Well, maybe a bit, eh? 

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Breaking News: Hordes of ” US Liberals” slipping into Canada!

News Update from Canada, eh?

The flood of Trump-fearing American Liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week. The Republican presidential campaign is prompting an exodus of Americans who fear they’ll soon be required to buy a gun, build a fence, read the president-elect books, and live according to the “new” updated My way or the Highway Constitution.

Canadian Border residents say it’s not uncommon to see dozens of Sociology professors, global-warming activists, and “Green” energy proponents crossing their fields at night.

“I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,” said Quebec farmer, Rouge Greenfield. “He was cold, exhausted and hungry, and begged me for a croissant and some French Fries. When I said I didn’t have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”

Something fishy? In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the limber Liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Sara Palin and Kevin Bannon across the fields, but they just sang, “Puff the Magic Dragon” and kept coming.

Officials are particularly concerned about savvy smugglers who meet Liberals just south of the border, pack them into electric cars, and drive them across the border; where the batteries die and they are are ditched and left to fend for themselves, “These people are not prepared for our rugged conditions,” an Alberta border patrolman said.  “I found one bereft carload without a single bottle of Perrier water or quinoa.  All they had was a nice little Napa Valley Pinot and some stale kale chips. When they are caught, they’re sent back across the border, often wailing that they fear taunting and persecution from Trump Trumpets and Strumpets.

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Rumors are circulating about plans using old, failed, Trump properties as re-education camps where Liberals will be forced to watch “The Apprentice,” buy a gun, patrol tall walls, deal with a flood of ‘bizarro world’ new  laws.

Threats of Hair-comb overs, mandatory orange hair dye jobs and tanning salons mandates are all over Twitter.

However, in recent days, Liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border.

Some have been disguised as Senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. Not a new event.

After catching a dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, smart Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed “Senior citizens” about Captain Kangaroo, Perry Mason, Chubby Checker to prove that they were alive in the ’50s. “If they can’t identify the secretary on the Perry Mason Show, we become very suspicious about their age,” an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that these “illegal immigrants” are creating an epic organic-broccoli shortage, are buying up all the Leonard Cohen CD’s and are overloading the Canadian Internet while downloading yoga and meditation apps to their iPhones. “

“Oh! Canada” said, “I really feel sorry for American Liberals, but the Canadian economy just can’t support them.” “After all, how many English majors does one country need?”

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Whoa! There is a modicum of pain in Paint

She had organized the move to the new apartment from the beginning.

Wall of painted spirals

She arranged for the move to the apartment. She hired the movers, packed all the boxes, and did all the heavy lifting, literally.

She had one request of him. All she wanted was to have the baby’s room be painted blue. She could live with the blazing white walls in the rest of the apartment.

That Saturday, she had to drive to her parents-her father had had another small stroke. She was gone all day. She called him to check up on the paint job and he said it was going swimmingly and that he had three friends helping him.

He said it would to be done in no time, and she could inspect it upon her return.

The following day, she drove back home and went by  the new apartment to take a look at the nursery.

Hell hath no fury like a woman expecting, and expecting a baby blue wall- only to find a mural of madness.

He had lots of  ‘splainin’  to do.

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Paint

Dating and Mating- let’s call the whole thing off

Do Opposites Really Attract?

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Name Six Famous couples: Romeo and Juliet,

Antony and Cleo, Scarlett and Rhett, Vic and Albert, Liz and Dick, Eve and the guy with the rib…

Coupling: What is the trick?

For generations couples have pondered the relationship mystery: What keeps couples together? Is there a secret sauce- what is that je nais se quois that melds and binds a couple?  Is it pure luck? Hard work? 

Drop me a note at Myammy101@Gmail.com and tell me what you think.

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Opposites

Top Five Ways Not to Break Up

Poems, tomes, books, blogs and rants have all been written about the subject. It is painful. It hurts. It happens everyday, everywhere. And, yet there isn’t a formula for success. There has yet to be a fail-safe recipe for cessation of relationship

 

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Kindler Gentler Ways to Cease and Desist

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Don’t hire a sky-writer to create a sign to break up with your sweetheart.

Don’t Send a Text to break Up.

Don’t send a Dear John/Dear Joan Letter

Don’t call your soon-to be-Ex and say “This just isn’t working out.”

( or, “You are too good for me,” or “I need some space.”)

And DO NOT hire the The Break Up Shop to send  a text, email, snapchat, snail mail to your soon to be rejected par amour.

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For $10 The Break Up Shop  Will send your Lover a text to break up. (Tres classy, non?)

For $20 THE BS will send a form letter to the person you once dated.

and… who cares, after that?

Really? What kind of neanderthal – cave man – cave girl would stoop to such depths to end a relationship?

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In Medford, Oregon, the Pear Capital of the West, you will see this very appropriate sign

Downsuzungor-sign

 

 

Angry

Where are all the bookstores, coffee shops and parking places at the beach?

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1000 people move to Florida each day.

And every day, at least 50% wonder:

“Where are all the bookstores? Really, where are they? Come one….

Where are all the coffee shops?”

(Note to Floridians: A fabulous Cuban Coffee Stand does not a coffee shop make…No, Dunkin Donuts is not a coffee shop)

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The Hollywood “Broadwalk”* is one of Florida’s Jewels in the Crown.

The beautiful beach – pristine waters, white sand, perfectly planted palm trees, life- guard stations polka-dot the beach every block or so… and an industrious small army of paper-picker-uppers make the beach a “go to” place for hundreds of happy families every weekend.

Where is the parking?

Parking Meters run  24/7 at most South Florida beaches…

and it can be a near  miracle to find an available meter.

Californians often quote: “Everything is in a strip mall” – The best restaurants, TJ Maxx, fast-food restaurants, Bed Bath and Beyond…all in a strip mall.

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Welcome to Florida!

Set the table! Light the candles! Dinner is on?

Singles 2016 Dining Alone

Ask 10 Single Women what they usually have for dinner and you’ll hear responses like:

1. Quinoa
2.  Fruit and Greek yogurt
3. A bowl of soup
4. A sweet potato- embellished with condiments
5. An omelet
6. A tossed green salad
7.  Something from Trader Joe’s
8.  An apple, cheese and crackers, and a glass of wine
9.  Leftovers
10. Popcorn

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Conversely, if you stand outside the gym at the JCC, Gold’s gym, or Trader Joe’s

(NOTE: This is a  great way to meet guys)  Ask a Single Guy what he’s planning for dinner that night you will hear:
1. Meat, potatoes, and salad
2. Pizza
3. Mexican food or Chinese
4. A Stouffer’s frozen lasagna, salad, and a bowl of ice cream
5. Lamb chops, potatoes au gratin, green beans
6. Chicken, corn, cheese, rice, beans, salsa and corn tortillas
7. Hamburgers or a Hungry Man Frozen Dinner
8. Barbecued something…
9. Piece of fish, green salad with all the fixings, a vegetable
10. Something he picked up at Pasta Pomodoro, KFC, or BK, or McDonald’s

 

 

Dinnertime

Pillow Fights and Sleeping Around…the house

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Venus is one hot chick. She love to Tango, yoga is her drug of choice: she is lithe, limber, sexy – and she knows it. She wears sparse, revealing clothing; her long blonde tresses are frequently anchored with a sterling sliver clip – which – when removed, cascades of fat curls appear – and she knows how to nonchalantly, slowly shake her head and garner attantion. She loves high neels and bare legs. Her arms are bedecked with shiny metal bracelets – they flash and make noise when she wants them to.

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Donald shops at the Brooks Brother’s outlet on the East Coast. His wardrobe is handsome, tailored, elegant. Women stop and stare. His neckties are a statement in  color and style.

His last name is Marse. Venus calls him Mars- she thinks it make them sound sexier and more fun. Venus and Mars. He claims he  is all about sexy and more fun- usually. Well, he used to be. Rounds at the hospital are more taxing, his patient load is larger and people are so much sicker. He comes home many nights – after the gym – too tired to do anything but watch the Golden State Warriors. Or the Giants.

He looks forward to climbing into bed and sleeping. She wants to party. She loves going to the clubs and dancing. Mars is the best dancer ever – except when he is tired.

He is always tired.

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At first it was cute – the noise she made -the whispy, tiny snore. Cute. Infrequent. As weeks went on, Venus became a true blue, get the ear plugs, snorer. Mars was getting perturbed, angry and  frustrated and Venus slept away – snoring  loudly. One night, he moved to the guest room and slept like a baby. Her feelings were hurt, she wanted to snuggle, she missed his body next to hers. He missed a good night’s sleep. He tried ear plugs, white noise, Ambien, meditating. The only thing that worked? Separate bedrooms.

They discussed it – argued – disagreed. Mars was mad. Red Hot mad. He wanted eight hours of luxurious, deep, sleep. She agreed. Unbeknownst to him, she enrolled in the Sleep Clinic and got the CPAP machine. Ta Da! In one weeks time, no more pillow fights – Venus and Mars happy again.

It happens.

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Bedtime