Are we home yet?
Living on The Avenue of the Giants
Living on The Avenue of the Giants
You have a good sense of humor. A pal sent me this about Life in Florida
(Written for people 60+ and others with a sense of humor.)
A few years ago, my wife and I moved into a retirement development on Florida ‘s southeast coast.
Jerry Seinfield once said, “There is a law in New York that people over sixty must move to Florida.” It is intended to keep us seniors from becoming “Midtown Roadkill.”
We are living in the “Delray/ Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-a-Hachee”.
Who knew? There are 3,000 lakes in Florida- only three are real.
….gradual loss of…
Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to do all day?
Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem.
Our days are eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of our car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where we parked takes 20 minutes. It takes a half-hour in the check-out line in Wal-Mart, and a mere hour to return said item the next day.
Here a typical day: We get up at 5:00 am, have a quick breakfast of free coffee and pastries at the corner bank and join the early morning Walk-and-Fart Club.
There are about 30 of us, and rain or shine, we walk around the streets, all talking at once. Every development has some “late risers” who stay in bed until 6:00 am.Go figure! After a nimble walk, avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity.
My wife goes directly to the pool for her underwater Pilates class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR.
I put on my uniform: ‘Ask Me About My GrandKids’ T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my white belt, my white socks and sandals and go to the clubhouse lobby for a nice nap.
Before we know it, it’s time for lunch.
Costco! Here we come!
We go to Costco to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets. All free! For the more sophisticated, planning a trip to Costco does take some effort to make sure all the demonstrators are visited starting with appetizers and ending with desserts.
Medical Care:We don’t need psychiatrists in Florida, pouring our life stories out to the Costco demonstrators an acceptable alternative. After a filling lunch, if we don’t have any doctor appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.00.
We’re usually back home by 2:00 pm to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for the early bird at the hometown buffet about 3:00 pm, but we get there by 3:45 because we’re late eaters.
Free at last! The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. We can take home enough food for the next day’s lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and Splenda, along with mints.
Bingo! It’s 5:30 pm we’re home, ready to watch the 6 o’clock news. By 6:30 pm we’re fast asleep. Then we get up and make five or six trips to the bathroom during the night, and it’s time to get up and start a new day all over again.
Calling for test results also helps the days fly by. It takes at least a half-hour just getting through the doctor’s phone menu. Then there’s the hold time until we’re connected to the right party. FACT:Sometimes they forget we’re holding, and the whole office goes off to lunch.
Food shopping is a problem for short seniors, or ‘bottom feeders’ as we call them, because they can’t reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods they’ve never tasted. After shopping, most seniors can’t remember where they parked their cars and wander the parking lot for hours while their food defrosts.
Remember to choose a Senior Living development with an impressive name. Italian names are very popular in Florida. They convey world travelers, uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live: Murray’s Condos or the Grand Emerald Lakes of Venice? There’s no difference — they’re both owned by Murray, who happens to be a cheap bastard.
I certainly hope this material has been of help to you Future Retirees. Hey! if I can be of any further assistance- look me up when you’re in Florida. I live in the Far Leaning Condos of Pisa in Palm Coast
News Update from Canada, eh?
The flood of Trump-fearing American Liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week. The Republican presidential campaign is prompting an exodus of Americans who fear they’ll soon be required to buy a gun, build a fence, read the president-elect books, and live according to the “new” updated My way or the Highway Constitution.
Canadian Border residents say it’s not uncommon to see dozens of Sociology professors, global-warming activists, and “Green” energy proponents crossing their fields at night.
“I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,” said Quebec farmer, Rouge Greenfield. “He was cold, exhausted and hungry, and begged me for a croissant and some French Fries. When I said I didn’t have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”
Something fishy? In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the limber Liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Sara Palin and Kevin Bannon across the fields, but they just sang, “Puff the Magic Dragon” and kept coming.
Officials are particularly concerned about savvy smugglers who meet Liberals just south of the border, pack them into electric cars, and drive them across the border; where the batteries die and they are are ditched and left to fend for themselves, “These people are not prepared for our rugged conditions,” an Alberta border patrolman said. “I found one bereft carload without a single bottle of Perrier water or quinoa. All they had was a nice little Napa Valley Pinot and some stale kale chips. When they are caught, they’re sent back across the border, often wailing that they fear taunting and persecution from Trump Trumpets and Strumpets.
Rumors are circulating about plans using old, failed, Trump properties as re-education camps where Liberals will be forced to watch “The Apprentice,” buy a gun, patrol tall walls, deal with a flood of ‘bizarro world’ new laws.
Threats of Hair-comb overs, mandatory orange hair dye jobs and tanning salons mandates are all over Twitter.
However, in recent days, Liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border.
Some have been disguised as Senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. Not a new event.
After catching a dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, smart Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed “Senior citizens” about Captain Kangaroo, Perry Mason, Chubby Checker to prove that they were alive in the ’50s. “If they can’t identify the secretary on the Perry Mason Show, we become very suspicious about their age,” an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that these “illegal immigrants” are creating an epic organic-broccoli shortage, are buying up all the Leonard Cohen CD’s and are overloading the Canadian Internet while downloading yoga and meditation apps to their iPhones. “
“Oh! Canada” said, “I really feel sorry for American Liberals, but the Canadian economy just can’t support them.” “After all, how many English majors does one country need?”
She arranged for the move to the apartment. She hired the movers, packed all the boxes, and did all the heavy lifting, literally.
She had one request of him. All she wanted was to have the baby’s room be painted blue. She could live with the blazing white walls in the rest of the apartment.
That Saturday, she had to drive to her parents-her father had had another small stroke. She was gone all day. She called him to check up on the paint job and he said it was going swimmingly and that he had three friends helping him.
He said it would to be done in no time, and she could inspect it upon her return.
The following day, she drove back home and went by the new apartment to take a look at the nursery.
Hell hath no fury like a woman expecting, and expecting a baby blue wall- only to find a mural of madness.
Coupling: What is the trick?
For generations couples have pondered the relationship mystery: What keeps couples together? Is there a secret sauce- what is that je nais se quois that melds and binds a couple? Is it pure luck? Hard work?
Drop me a note at Myammy101@Gmail.com and tell me what you think.
And DO NOT hire the The Break Up Shop to send a text, email, snapchat, snail mail to your soon to be rejected par amour.
For $10 The Break Up Shop Will send your Lover a text to break up. (Tres classy, non?)
For $20 THE BS will send a form letter to the person you once dated.
and… who cares, after that?
Really? What kind of neanderthal – cave man – cave girl would stoop to such depths to end a relationship?
“Where are all the bookstores? Really, where are they? Come one….
Where are all the coffee shops?”
(Note to Floridians: A fabulous Cuban Coffee Stand does not a coffee shop make…No, Dunkin Donuts is not a coffee shop)
The Hollywood “Broadwalk”* is one of Florida’s Jewels in the Crown.
The beautiful beach – pristine waters, white sand, perfectly planted palm trees, life- guard stations polka-dot the beach every block or so… and an industrious small army of paper-picker-uppers make the beach a “go to” place for hundreds of happy families every weekend.
Where is the parking?
Parking Meters run 24/7 at most South Florida beaches…
and it can be a near miracle to find an available meter.
Californians often quote: “Everything is in a strip mall” – The best restaurants, TJ Maxx, fast-food restaurants, Bed Bath and Beyond…all in a strip mall.