Tag Archives: Snoring

He snores – she snores? Aw, come on!


They moved in together – Moon, Spoon, June: pure bliss?

Last May, Carly rolled her eyes and said that living with Don was bliss-perfection-more wonderful than she had imagined. Except for that one flaw. Flaw? Mr. Wonderful? Mr. tall, dark, handsome, highly successful and happy Don?   She whispered, “He snores. A little like a small water buffalo.” How bad was it? Move to another bedroom bad or just earplugs and melatonin bad? She was discreet in all their affairs, and merely waved her hand and tsk-ed, “Oh, not that bad.”

Flash forward to now-and Carly is no longer fluffing this one off.

She has dark circles under her eyes and the Bobbi Brown concealer barely hides them. And she will quietly share she just had the first good night’s sleep in weeks, because Don had gone to a meeting in Toronto.

She reveled in the nocturnal silence. She thought about taping “The Quietude of the Boudoir” as a meditation tape she could play back with her Bose headphones when Don returned.    She dismissed the idea as silly, but the night before he returned-she turned on her tape player to record three hours of white noise and pure silence. The next morning, she tucked it away in the bedside table.

Don’s return was highly anticipated. Carly shopped, prepped, and cooked his favorite meal to eat by candlelight, accompanied by Miles Davis and Keith Jarrett on their cool, old, record player. He was clearly exhausted. He had a three-hour delay in Denver, missed an airline connection and was beat. After dinner, they retired to the bedroom – within minutes he was out and snoring.

For Carly, the week of silence had been purely intoxicating and was now a distant memory as the cacophony of snorts, airbursts and coughs punctuated the night.

The tape!  Proud of her white-noise-invention, she found her Bose headphones and the mini-tape player and placed them on her side of the bed. She cleansed, toned, moisturized, and climbed into bed next to her amore as he belted raucous snores. Blissfully, she listened to her newly created, perfect, white noise tape. She could barely hear the muffled rustling of her satin duvet. As she was relaxing into silence, she heard a strange noise.

Something was wrong with the tape. It must be flawed. She heard a rush of air and a soft wheezing sound. The machine must be broken. Then she heard the pattern again. Louder.  Snoring! Had she taped Don and forgotten?

No, as she listened to the shocking snorting noise, she sadly discovered she, too, snored. Softly – but, she had a small problem. She would erase the tape in the morning and head off to the health food store for Melatonin. And, maybe soothing, sleep inducing  Belleruth Naperstek ‎ tape, earplugs might be good…brandy…her mind was whirling- while the love of her life was sleeping like a baby.

Damn him. Sweet dreams….photo_8735_20081228

What is your panacea? Tell me! myammy101@gmail.com

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Who Sleeps Where? Are you a Kitten or a Dog…

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Pillow Fights and Sleeping Around…the house

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Venus is one hot chick. She love to Tango, yoga is her drug of choice: she is lithe, limber, sexy – and she knows it. She wears sparse, revealing clothing; her long blonde tresses are frequently anchored with a sterling sliver clip – which – when removed, cascades of fat curls appear – and she knows how to nonchalantly, slowly shake her head and garner attantion. She loves high neels and bare legs. Her arms are bedecked with shiny metal bracelets – they flash and make noise when she wants them to.

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Donald shops at the Brooks Brother’s outlet on the East Coast. His wardrobe is handsome, tailored, elegant. Women stop and stare. His neckties are a statement in  color and style.

His last name is Marse. Venus calls him Mars- she thinks it make them sound sexier and more fun. Venus and Mars. He claims he  is all about sexy and more fun- usually. Well, he used to be. Rounds at the hospital are more taxing, his patient load is larger and people are so much sicker. He comes home many nights – after the gym – too tired to do anything but watch the Golden State Warriors. Or the Giants.

He looks forward to climbing into bed and sleeping. She wants to party. She loves going to the clubs and dancing. Mars is the best dancer ever – except when he is tired.

He is always tired.

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At first it was cute – the noise she made -the whispy, tiny snore. Cute. Infrequent. As weeks went on, Venus became a true blue, get the ear plugs, snorer. Mars was getting perturbed, angry and  frustrated and Venus slept away – snoring  loudly. One night, he moved to the guest room and slept like a baby. Her feelings were hurt, she wanted to snuggle, she missed his body next to hers. He missed a good night’s sleep. He tried ear plugs, white noise, Ambien, meditating. The only thing that worked? Separate bedrooms.

They discussed it – argued – disagreed. Mars was mad. Red Hot mad. He wanted eight hours of luxurious, deep, sleep. She agreed. Unbeknownst to him, she enrolled in the Sleep Clinic and got the CPAP machine. Ta Da! In one weeks time, no more pillow fights – Venus and Mars happy again.

It happens.

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